A 2-STEP GUIDE TO GETTING ALONG

When confined to small spaces, rats chew each others’ tails. Although we don’t chew tails when physically or psychologically confined, under stress we might be doing exactly the opposite of what we need. There’s a better way.

YOUR GUIDES

1. Ground Rules. Never interact without pre-agreed upon base rules!

• Speak for yourself. Don’t tell other people what’s wrong with them. Don’t start sentences with “you”. For example, “I think you are a selfish” does start with “I” but gets disqualified with the second part of the sentence.

• Use words when expressing disapproval. No sighs, slamming, silent stares, eye-rolls, or storming out.

• Instead of shutting off, call Time Out. “Need a 10 minute break, then meet you in the kitchen.”

• No below the belt. Don’t hit with personal attacks that hurt, like “You drink just like your mother did.”

• Keep it short and One at a Time. Most positive interactions occur when each person holds the stage for no more than 1-2 uninterrupted minutes.

2. Get Clear. Every good request has three parts: Describe the other person’s behavior, why it’s important (consequence of behavior) , and what is requested instead. Most people get into trouble when a. nothing is said and resentment builds b. vague wishes are given e.g. “we need to fix this” or “somebody has to clean up” or c. direct commands “You need to …” “you better …”

The 3-Step Formula  

1. Describe what other person is DOING: “When you leave your dirty socks on the floor … ”

2. State what happens as consequence: “I slip on them and fall … ”

3. Be clear about what you want: “So I would like you to put them in the hamper.”

If the relationship is rocky, expect defense; notice the reaction but don’t get sidetracked - just calmly repeat the request and try to get to a quid-pro-quo or other compromise. 

REMINDERS:

1. Need to be right. It can be a mine field if two people have strong needs to be right. ”Choose to be right or choose to be happy” doesn’t mean you give away your need to be heard or understood. Others are right, given their point of view. 

Agree ahead of time that when you get stuck in right-wrong, you both will go to a higher ‘third’ place of compromise. Because you are both right, you will meet both persons needs - for example, “your way this time, my way next time.“ If you’re stuck, try a reverse role play. Take the role of each other and in less than 2-3 minutes each, express the other person’s point of view.

2.  Delay is OK. If you’re upset but not sure if you need to say anything, wait 24 hours. If it still bothers you, fix it or forget it. Things don't get better on their own, they get worse.

3. Words and tone matter. Words are the sparks or the extinguisher to ignite or put out the fire. You’re not responsible for the gas, but you are for the spark. Don’t be snarky; at the very least be neutral. 

4. Whoever loses control, loses. If you let your emotions take over, call time and regroup. Note: Bullying removes real power. If you were confident, you wouldn’t need threatening behavior.

5. Stop powerless comments: “You make me mad” … “she bugs me” … “they drive me nuts” … These only give power to the other person and feed into your victim status. 

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