Effective leaders are calm and assertive. Leaders who send out negative energy create anxiety, aggression, anger, complaining, foot-dragging, frustration, and depression. Anger and bullying might appear to give you artificial power, but it removes your potential for real power. If you were confident, you wouldn’t need anger.

Your goal is to stay in real power and control. Whoever loses control, loses the interaction. If you react emotionally, you lower yourself in the hierarchy, giving the other party dominance. People around you will repeat whatever behavior puts you in that emotional position.

1. Stop powerless, ineffectual comments such as “she annoys me” “they drive me nuts” “he is so inconsiderate” “she is making me crazy” “these kids are driving me insane.”

These give power to the other person (not a leader position), feed into your victim status (not a leader position), and show resentment toward the other person (not a leader position).

2. Basic Steps to Powerful Communication

1. Figure out what’s important to you, what you want, practice your ability to ask for it.

2. Communicate Confidence. What is your nonverbal behavior communicating?   

3. Use Words that Work (see Get Clear, below).

How to Listen

1. Restate what you hear  “So you believe …” “You want to ...”

2. Reflect on what’s going on at a deeper level. Ask yourself: “How would I be feeling”

3. Question using open-ended questions: “Can you tell me more about that?” 

How to Get Clear

1. Stop saying:  “We need to” “Somebody has to” “You’ll have to ...” or “... You need to ...”

2. Be clear and ask for what you want. Ask only in the Positive Future: “I would like you to ...”

3. Don’t use False Power: “You do it this minute or ...”

4. Use simple words.  

3. Use ’The 7-Step Formula for Everything’

1. Describe behavior “When you…………”

2. State consequences “We/I……………………”

3. Positive Future “I would like you to……………”

4. Wait for manipulation (blame, pout, yell, silence)

5. Call out manipulation “I can see that………”

6. Re-center “However it’s important that/
   I would like you to”

7. Clarify and Compromise “That work for you?”What problems see with that?”

The 7-Step Formula (Sample)

1. Describe behavior “When you are late for meetings…”

2. State consequences “Other people’s time is impacted.”

3. Positive Future “I would like you to be on time.”

4. Wait for manipulation* (blame, pout, yell)

5. Call out manipulation “I can see you’re blaming your schedule.”

6. Re-center “However, I would like you to be on time.”

7. Clarify and Compromise “That work for you?”What problems see?”

Manipulations

—Sulking, whining, pouting
—Being extremely hard-working, or overly dedicated
—Getting mad at you or accusing you
—Calling you names
—Telling you that you are mean and the worst parent ever
—Saying, “I hate you”
—Becoming helpless and confused
—Blaming others
—Pretending he doesn’t care
—Playing ignorant
—Being passive: Silent or acting hurt or looking sad
—Being extra agreeable and cooperative
—Acting innocent
—Giving you extra flattery or attention
—“Promising” instead of “delivering”
—“Trying” instead of “doing”
—Withdrawing
—Forgetting or being late
—Being too busy or having no time

4. Check your hot spots. Where are you vulnerable?

Check over this list and checkmarks beside the reactions you’ve struggled with or the ones that can push your buttons. How do you react to these? Remove the buttons and you’ll no longer be susceptible.

“I see you are sulking. If you want something, best to just ask for it. Blaming others doesn’t work. This is your responsibility, let’s see how we can fix it.” Get immune to sulking, nagging, and whining. They are games. Be calm. Do not respond.

You are a calm and effective leader. Be the strong one who can face tough behaviors and clear things up.  Feel free to use this material to help your team!