You feel anxiety each time family gatherings approach, but you can’t explain why. Consider this analogy:
It’s the first quarter: Chiefs vs Steelers. The umpire calls the kickoff out of bounds. Because everyone understands the game rules, they accept that the team is penalized five yards and has to re-kick.
What if the game rules weren’t agreed on before the start? What if each player had their own set of rules? What if there was an over-riding set of unexpressed rules that everyone just guessed at?
Your family might have a set of rules they follow, and you’re anxious about both keeping the rules and about breaking them. Some families seem to operate without rules, or ever-changing rules; and some families have a rigid set of rules. When you’re with your family, you feel confused because something is impossible to understand (what Lidz terms mystified.)
You love your family and you want to be free to express yourself, but you might be invalidated if you break the rules. How can you approach your family with peace?
Healthy families have a set of rules that allow fair-play for all players. The five ground rules below might not fly with your family. Unless your family falls into the tough-to-crack category, it’s worth a try. It might go nowhere, but you’ve made the effort.
When you’re together, say something like: “I was reading the other day about agreements that families take when they get together. I’m not sure if we need these, but I wonder if I could read them and tell me what you think.”
FIVE FAMILY AGREEMENTS
AGREEMENT 1. We don’t talk about stuff we know is trouble - e.g. politics.
AGREEMENT 2. We don’t put words or labels into each others’ heads, like telling them what’s wrong with them. For example, starting with “you” such as, “You’re lazy.”
AGREEMENT 3. We agree not to storm off. We say something like: “It’s a bit much for me, I’m going to take a break and I’ll be back.”
AGREEMENT 4. We won’t use ‘negative non-verbals’ like deep sighs, slamming doors, silent stares, eye-rolls, or storming out. We will translate these into words best we can.
AGREEMENT 5. We all agree that we’ll do our best. If there is a violation, any one of us can call time out, and call for a re-do.
Judge the situation for yourself. This might not be a good time to nudge a change, or maybe it’s a great time. Either way, good for you that you showing the insight to recognize that things could be better, and having the courage to consider being part of the change.
Have a beautiful and peaceful holiday no matter what.
