They can’t see it because shame and ostracism are greater than the fear of death.
The fear of shame, ‘looking bad in front of others’ and being rejected from the group is the strongest fear we have. We value being ‘good’ members of our ‘good' groups more than we value being right, as long as our group is in line with what we perceive as ‘good.’
We will choose to be wrong if it keeps us as ‘good’ members of our group. If our group engages in behavior that does not line up with what part of ourselves we believe is good, we reject the interpretation of behavior as ‘bad’ in order to remain a part of our group.
In the recent US national election, both parties cried: “can’t they see?” The correct response response is, “no.” Because both parties had an intact belief system, that anything discordant with the belief that I am a good member of a good group is ipso facto, rejected.
But … it is possible for humans to update and re-evaluate; it’s one of our greatest strengths. Beliefs are not cast in stone. There is a method of discourse that increases understanding.
Beliefs form associative neuronal networks that signal either ‘certainty’ or 'lack of certainty.’ Certainty is an emotional complex. Thus, to influence oneself or others, tap into this emotional complex.
Instead of attempting to convince others, lead the other person to understand their own thinking about your narrative. Focus on the other person’s motivations more than their beliefs. Get others to believe that the change you’re promoting ties in with their identities and motivations.
All influence is self-influence; people will change based on what they want and need, what they convince themselves that they believe.
Two methods of inquiry that to encourage self-examination:
1. SOCRATIC DIALOG uses a series of questions to reach consensus. The original 'Socratic dialogue' began with Socrates stating that he knew nothing about a topic and asked questions of the others. Leaders can use the Socratic Method when they ask others to identify problems themselves, and to reach by their own conclusions. Psychologists use socratic dialog to help their clients evaluate the accuracy of their thoughts and beliefs.
The Four Stages of Socratic Dialogue are questioning, listening, interacting, and synthesizing.
Here are some examples:
1. Questioning
Ask: “Is confusion a sign of weakness?”
Ask: “Is it true you can’t teach an old dog new tricks?”
Ask: “So garbage cans hide enemies? Tell me more about that.”
2. Listening to responses empathically and reflectively.
“So you’re saying that …” “What I hear is that …"
3. Interaction
Ask: “I wonder what would happen if you didn’t think the garbage cans are hiding enemies?”
Guide the conversation with a series of “what ifs” and “then whats” so that the client can hear their own reasoning and begin to question it.
4. Synthesizing
Say: “So what I’ve been hearing you say is that part of you believes that confusion is a weakness and part of you seems to think that it might be a form of curiosity, openness, growth. The times that you felt confused you might have believed it to be a weakness.”
But I wonder if the part of you that sees it can be a strength can talk to the other part of you and make a deal. The next time you feel confused, what if you experiment and think to yourself: “I’m going through something new here, confusion is normal, it means I’m growing and that’s a strength.” “How would that be?”
2. DIALECTICAL REASONING. Dialectical reasoning is an interaction that involves contrasting opposing points of view to reach a conclusion. It's similar to logic or both-and reasoning; the socratic dialogues are a form of 'dialectical' reasoning.
The process of dialectical reasoning:
State a belief.
Developing an opposing belief.
Combine the two.
The outcome can be a synthesis of the opposing ideas, a refutation of one of the beliefs, or just a crack in the armor of a belief system, allowing further questioning in the future.
Dialectical reasoning helps you be more flexible in your own thinking, release negative emotions and irrational beliefs, and at the same time supports your current state while you are undergoing or thinking of change.
“I feel guilty for doing that AND I know it is the right decision.”
“I feel anxious AND I'm doing it anyway.”
“I can be fully accepting of myself AND want to change.”
“I am doing the very best I can AND I can improve.”
“I am a Republican AND I can vote for a Democrat.”
I found this example sheet helpful from https://mindremakeproject.org - click this link to download. Hold both simultaneously and you have the support you need as well as a path forward.
People can change. All humans can re-evaluate. I hope these methods soften the boundaries of rigid belief systems and help us all to come to a common understanding.
