THE POWER OF HARD CONVERSATIONS PART TWO
Your emotional triggers (how people can get to you) are made up of unresolved trauma. You think your triggers are hidden, but others can spot them and take advantage of them. You can’t be comfortable with conflict until you disable your triggers.
In a perfect world, if you approached someone with a request for a change in behavior, people would say: “Thanks for pointing that out” and change their behavior. :) But their unresolved trauma and defenses prevent them. So, you’re faced with working through their defenses as well as your own! But being aware of your triggers, you can prepare a response ahead of time, and not let yourself be distracted or taken in.
Look through these common triggers. Which ones have people used with you?
Is there one grouping that has received more check marks than the others? Any sense where that comes from?
You don’t have to understand a trigger’s origin before you dismantle it. You do need to understand that your vulnerability to certain behaviors result from your old stories and that you can let them go now.
A PERSONAL NOTE ABOUT TRIGGERS
The human spirit is an amazing self-healer and protector. The habits you have developed are self-protective. Even the habits you don’t like in yourself are not weaknesses; they are strengths.
If you find it hard to risk upsetting people, you avoid confronting acting-out team or family members, or shrink when others are irate - there is nothing wrong with you. All your old behaviors have served a purpose. Ask yourself if they are still a service to you.
Every phase you've ever gone through was you working it out in that moment with the information you had at the time. You can cringe at what you might've done a couple of years ago and cringe at the things you actually did, but most important, celebrate where you've been, who you are now, where you are now, and where you're going. This acceptance gives your old stories permission to resolve and to reshape themselves into stories that serve you better.
You no longer need to be vigilant for others’ moods because you’re an adult now, and can care for yourself.
Detach from the concern about how other people are feeling. Trust that if someone else has an issue or a problem it is their job to express it. They are responsible for keeping their side of the street clean. You don’t need to be sweeping your co-workers or partners sidewalk for them. It’s exhausting and is usually not appreciated.
Watch next week for Part Three: Follow the Formula. If you follow this formula, you will no longer be stuck. You will expect someone to trigger you, and you will be able to bring the conversation back on track.
You will leave with a resolution at the end.
And feel the Power of Hard Conversations.
