FOLLOW THIS FORMULA FOR HANDLING TRIGGERS
You find conversations hard because they might will involve conflict. You avoid conflict both because you don’t want others to be mad at you and because in the past you’ve been at a loss for words, feel like you failed, and left the conversation in shame. That creates a powerful motivation for avoidance.
If you follow this formula, you will no longer be stuck. You will expect someone to trigger you, and you will be able to bring the conversation back on track. You will leave with a resolution at the end.
THE FORMULA: WHAT-WHY-WHAT-WAIT
1. WHAT
DESCRIBE TO THE OTHER PERSON THE BEHAVIOR THAT NEEDS TO CHANGE.
Start with the word: “when.” “When you are late for meetings …”
2. WHY
STATE THE REASON IT HAS TO CHANGE. “Other people’s time is impacted.” “The whole system falls behind.”
3. WHAT
MAKE THE DIRECT REQUEST. Tell them WHAT specifically you want. “I would like you to be on time.”
4. WAIT for the Trigger where you’ve been thrown off track in the past.
Defiant: “Others are late all the time.”
Tearful: “Why are you picking on me?”
5. CALL out the Trigger (you can empathize, but you’re on to them, and it won’t work with you). Feel the quiet power in these sentences:
“I can see you’re upset. However, this is important let’s go through it.'“
“Screaming isn’t working, and we’re disturbing the others. Let’s speak quietly”
“I see you’re withdrawing. It’s best to speak up if something is working for you.”
“Blaming others doesn’t work. This is your responsibility, let’s fix it”
“Trying isn’t the same as doing, let’s see how you can do this.”
6. Get back to the issue. You are not buying in, you mean business.“However, it’s important you’re on time. Can we agree on that?” “What are the reasons why you’re late?” Problem solve reasons if appropriate. If no reasons, “So I‘d like you to be on time this week.”
7. Consequences if behavior continues. (This step depends on your own guidelines)
“Because you’ve been late again twice this week … (consequences).”
Practice, practice, practice with friends, family, your pets. Get fluent and comfortable using the words. Ask your audiences to give you a hard time and see how you handle it.
You’ll find that if you follow this formula, you will no longer be stuck. You will expect someone to trigger you, and you will be able to bring the conversation back on track.
You will leave with a resolution at the end.
And realize the power of Hard Conversations.
