73% DON’T LIKE HARD CONVERSATIONS. 62% AVOID THEM. LEARN THE POWER OF HARD CONVERSATIONS

PART ONE

WHY YOU AVOID THEM

Hard conversations are emotionally challenging, uncomfortable, and can be frightening. They can involve sensitive topics that lead to conflict, disagreement, or hurt feelings. They have the capacity to stir up deep fears and unhealed trauma. And therein lies their power.

Holding a conversation that is hard for you is brave. It shows that you have the strength to face emotional discomfort. You know that resolving the possible conflict creates trust, respect, and bonding,

WHAT MAKES THEM SO HARD?

A. YOU HAVE OLD STORIES TO CHANGE

‘Old stories’ have been passed down to you to protect you from imagined or real harm. Are still telling yourself these old stories?

OLD STORY: IT’S ABOUT YOU. If someone is mad at you, it’s because of what you’ve done or who you are.

NEW STORY: IT’S NEVER ABOUT YOU. People act because of who THEY are. Anger is a cover for fear. People who blow up at you are in fear. Their trauma is projected onto you. Trauma doesn’t think clearly.

OLD STORY: IT WOULD BE TERRIBLE IF SOMEONE DIDN’T LIKE YOU. You’re  ‘nice’, don’t want to upset people, and go along so they will like you. You even sacrifice your integrity for the sake of pleasing others.

NEW STORY: OTHER PEOPLE DON’T EVEN EVALUATE YOU. Neuroscientist Daniel Glaser says your sensitivity to thinking others are judging you is not because you care what people think, it’s because you’re telling yourself false negative stories about what they think. Your brain listens to everything you think and say. The negative stories come from you.

People think about themselves. If they happen to think about you, it is more positive than you think. One study found that people underestimate how much others like them. Whether people treat you in a positive or negative way has to do with them, and not you.

How many of these statements at the bottom of this paper do you agree with? THE FNE SCALE measures how much the Fear of Negative Evaluation hinders you. The higher your score, the more this old story is a barrier to successful conflict management. If your score is over, say 4 or 5, take it as an opportunity to learn a valuable skill!

OLD STORY: YOU DON’T HAVE THE POWER. If you believe that success has to do with luck, things aren’t fair, and you have little control, you also believe that people can make you feel a certain way. Do you ever say: “she annoys me” “they drive me nuts” “he is so inconsiderate” and so on? These indicate you give control to other people.

NEW STORY: YOU CAUSE YOUR OWN MOODS. It is impossible for one person to create a mood in another person. You choose how your life is unfolding. You can be triggered by the words and actions of others, but you control your own triggers. 

OLD STORY: CONFLICT SHOULD BE AVOIDED. People should just get along; it’s terrible when people are in conflict with each other. Nothing good comes of it, so it’s best avoided.

NEW STORY: CONFLICT IS HEALTHY AND GOOD FOR BUSINESS. The successful resolution of conflict is healing. Since people are at their most vulnerable when fearful, your kind words can change a life. Approach conflict with that intention.

It’s good for business as well. Happy conflict resolution creates raving fans and customers for life who post their joy on social media and tell their friends how awesome you are.

• IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU.

• PEOPLE AREN’T EVALUATING YOU.

• YOU CONTROL YOUR OWN MOOD.

• CONFLICT RESOLUTION HEALS.

Complaining is not a Strategy

Recent surveys of middle- and upper-managers find that over 55% of their employees consistently complain, that is, their default communication style is passive and ineffective. Complaints include: workload, excess stress, not enough recognition, poor communication, poorly-executed rollouts, lack of time off. Over 73% report that time is wasted and morale decreased by continual employee complaining. Moreover:

1. Complaining trains the brain to focus on the negative, which can lead to a more permanent pessimism.

2. Complaining weakens the immune system and increases risk of heart disease, diabetes, obesity, and strokes.

3. Complaining can create helplessness and more anxiety. It
   negatively affects those around. 

4. Complaining prevents solutions. People focus on regrets and resentments from the past, fail to live in the present and are unable to plan for the future.

   Not good. Let me ask you: In the image below, how does the mouse get the cheese?

• by worry (what if the trap goes off)?

• by complaining (it’s not fair)?

• by pessimism (why bother)?

• by cynicism (the system is rigged)?

No! She gets the cheese by replacing passive, ineffective behaviors with active, effective strategies that result in cheese. It’s easier than you think.

First, why is complaining not a strategy? Complaining transfers power to out there, to something else, making individual change impossible. Complaining says: “I am not in control of my life. Everyone else is in control, it’s not fair, and I want to be rescued.”

All suffering is resistance; a refusal to accept the reality of the moment, the unwillingness to experience what is, the unwillingness to be present with, and that unwillingness comes from a story or old belief that things should not be the way they are.

Adapting to change …to life … to the future, means a radical acceptance of reality - of what is. Viktor Frankl was a holocaust survivor who suffered horrendous abuse from 1942-45, later to become a psychiatrist and author of Man’s Search for Meaning.  His wisdom:

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”

Second, complaining does not move action forward, in fact, it reverses and stagnates the workplace.

Over the past several years, I have studied the effectiveness of several teams’ decisions to agree to change their team language. With everyone in agreement (the tricky part) they agreed to communicate in the active-optimistic (how can we) rather than the passive-pessimistic (we can’t, we don’t). It took less than 12-14 days to turn around the mindset of the team, to increase engagement and solve current problems.

How about your team?

THE DOPAMINE CURSE OF COMPLETABLE TASKS

It’s almost 5:00pm, near the end of your workday. There are three or four quick jobs you can do to get them out of the way. Doing so, there will be less to do tomorrow, and you’ll feel better knowing you ticked them off your to-do list.

You’re right, you’ll feel better, but not because you’ve been more productive. You’ll feel better because you chose the dopamine hit of completable tasks. You won’t feel better for long, however, because dopamine lives a really short half-life in your brain. You falsely believe all the while that “someday soon I will get it all done.”

You have yet to experience the power of the unfinished. The Ezra Klein January 7 2025 podcast interview with Oliver Burkeman, author of Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals and Meditations for Mortals dove into the deeper meaning and wisdom of the power of  the unfinished.

THE WESTERN HERO

The Western hero rhetoric is to push ourselves past comfort, to gut through the pain and in the process, become better people. When we push through, we believe we are living the epic hero story while cranking through endless hours of work.

Burkeman points out that work is never going to be done. He says that “the nature of the world that we live in is that there is more that could profitably be done with our time than we will ever be able to do. There is always something more that you could do.” You could fill any arbitrary number of hours in a day with work that feels like it needs doing in that day. There’s no limit.

THE DEAD ZONE

Studies in productivity suggest that most of us are productive for about 3-4 hours in a day. That means that the period beyond that could be referred to as The Dead Zone, where little, if anything useful, is being produced. Productivity goes down and stress and burnout go up.  

Our brains are able to focus for a limited time before fatigue sets in. - see my blogs on Decision Distress and Decision Paralysis. Following this limited time, the quality of our work and our decision making decline. The true skill to develop is the ability to let go, to relax in the face of the unfinished, and to resist the dopamine hit of small tasks.

Burkeman describes the discipline and spirituality of the Benedictine monks practice: Work Period-Bell Rings-Put Down Work-Go to Next Thing. The Zen Master Hōun Jiyu-Kennett’s approach to teaching was to make the student’s workload so heavy that he or she would be forced to put it down.

Several authors recommend we rethink the structure of our days for optimal productivity, that we stop feeling that ‘finished’ is unattainable, and stop believing that the number of hours worked are more important than higher-quality output and creativity.

SUGGESTIONS

1. Master the Art of the Unfinished. The Zeigarnik effect, or the tendency to remember unfinished tasks better than completed tasks, assures you that it will get done, and at a higher level when you’re refreshed.

2. Organize your day with the age-old advice to begin with A priorities. That way, you won’t feel a productivity deficit at the end of the day. This is a good resource to help you identify A-B-C priorities. A is urgent, e.g. projects with deadlines.B needs to be completed when possible, after A. C tasks are the least important and nice-to-do if there’s time.

3. Identify your peak energy periods and schedule your A list in that time.

4. Cut energy-draining meetings or schedule for low energy periods.

5. Schedule breaks. Every 20-minutes for a short stand up walk around deep breathe, and no longer than three hours before a minimum 15-30 minute break and switch of focus.

You’ll never get it all done.

An unfinished life is a great life!

A finished life is not life any more. :)

WHY CAN'T I DECIDE?

If you’re feeling stuck making decisions, you’re not alone, and there’s nothing wrong with you. Sometimes, problems making decisions can stem from deeper issues such as depression, anxiety, or obsessive-compulsive disorder. But most adults now report difficulty making even simple decisions.

Stress, uncertainty, and an overload of information have resulted in a high level of decision fatigue. About one-third of adults (32%) said they struggle with basic decisions. (APA Harris Poll, 2024) and about 61%  are rethinking how they are living their lives.

One recent survey reported that of over 14,000 leaders in 17 countries, 86% were less confident in making decisions, 85% suffered from decision distress, and 72% were paralyzed from making decisions at all.

The brain can tolerate just so much before it goes into a rest cycle. Brains avoid decisions when they can because decision-making takes a lot of energy. Willpower and decision-making ability go down fast with the number and complexity of decisions. After a time, you get less cautious, and your decisions get more impulsive. That’s why the impulse items are at grocery checkouts.

Much is written on the decision-making process, steps to good decisions, and making decisions at work, but very little on why and how to monitor decision overload and create conditions for the best decisions.

HELP YOUR BRAIN MAKE BETTER DECISIONS

1. Make important decisions earlier in the day before brain fatigue sets in.

2. Avoid making multiple decisions in a row. Decision-making takes so much brain energy, that after three or four decisions there just isn’t enough left for rational decisions. Think of the impulse items at checkouts. Auto salespeople who deliberately present you with yet another decision at the end of the decision-making process for auto purchase - it’s often for a high-end safety system that you probably font need. Don’t get caught.

3. Cut down on unimportant decisions. If you don’t have to decide - don’t! “What do you want for dinner?” “Surprise me!”  “What kind of pizza?” “You choose.” Don’t waste your Decision Quotient.

4. Give your brain a rest. If decision-making is getting fuzzy, resent your brain. Get into nature. Go for a run. Take a shower. Meditate. Stare at a blank wall.

5. Think about doing less. If your brain is telling you that you’re doing too much, you're doing too much. If your brain is overloaded with too many to-dos, it won’t have the energy left for good decisions.

Information overload is not going to let down, and decisions we are forced to make will become even more complex, not less. The brain’s capacity wasn’t set up for this level of complexity. Guard your decision-making energy and make good decisions.

WHY CAN’T WE MAKE DECISIONS AND GET STUFF DONE?

If your team gets stuck making decisions, you’re not alone! The 2025 WEF Global Risks Report and recent Oracle Survey tell us that the increase in our volume of work, superimposed on high instability, along with an overwhelming number of decisions we are forced to make daily, makes decision-making highly stressful.

Over 14,000 leaders in 17 countries found that 86% are less confident making decisions, 85% suffer from decision distress and 72% have been have paralyzed from making decisions at all.

Generative A.I. is currently making it worse. The sheer number of decisions has increased tenfold over the last three years (74%); 78% say they are bombarded with more data than ever, and 86% say the volume of data is making decisions complicated.

Decision-making takes a lot of brain energy. The brain can tolerate just so much before it goes into rest cycle. Willpower and decision-making ability go down fast with the number and complexity of decisions. After our capacity has peaked, more data only overwhelms. After time, we get less cautious and our decisions become more impulsive.

What does Decision Fatigue look like at work?

• Meetings are devoted to the ‘problem,’ but nothing gets done.

• More data is continually being requested.

• Important decisions about products, markets, and technologies are not being made.

• Projects relating to what needs to be done become unfunded or withdrawn.

• Several layers of approval are needed before a decision is approved.

FOUR ACTIONS THAT WILL HELP

1. MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION. Dan Burrus would ask: Are you working on the right problem? We get stuck when we’re focused on insoluble problems. Burrus advises to move on, especially if you’re in sunk-cost fallacy where you've put so much into it already, you hate to let it go.

2. MAKE THE DECISION AT THE RIGHT LEVEL.

LEVEL 1 decisions are easy. Hard trends are clear. You’re sure this future will happen. Make these decisions quickly, and LEVEL 2 AND LEVEL 3 become clearer.

LEVEL 2 are decisions where outcomes are uncertain. It’s hard to predict the outcome. Instead of freezing at LEVEL 2, plot out the three most probable future scenarios and gather information about them. The decision will become clearer and move to LEVEL 1.

LEVEL 3 An almost impossible decision, one unknowable. You can’t identify the variables. Don’t spend time now; save this decision to your future scenario brainstorming time.

3. STOP WORKING PAST CUT-OFF TIME.

Studies in productivity suggest that most of us are productive for about three to four hours a day. The period beyond that could be referred to as The Dead Zone, where little useful is being produced. Productivity goes down, and stress and burnout go up. 

Make decisions in the productive zone period; for most people, this is in early to mid-morning.

Move energy-draining meetings for low energy periods. Schedule breaks every 20-minutes for brains to reset. Walk around, deep breathe, move scenes. Try walking decision-making meetings.

Decide with optimal, not maximal, information. By the time you have all the information, the window has closed, and you’re late. Because of deferments, postponements, more gathering of information, teams stuck in paralysis miss the optimal decision point. There is no payoff in going beyond that time other than procrastinating, bolstering egos, and wasting time.

4. PLAN AHEAD.

At the beginning of a decision-making process:

a. Describe what the decision will look like when it’s optimal.

b. Define who the decision is for and what their needs are. When will it be good enough? Identify two trackers who can watch for this point.

c. Define how and when you’ll know the decision has been successful after it’s made.

f.  Plan the steps you’ll take to change the decision if it isn’t working.

Don’t let decision fatigue derail your group. Focus on the right problem, make decisions at the right level, optimize the process, and plan ahead. The amount of work isn’t going to decrease, and you’ll never get it all done. Maintain forward motion and make better decisions.

Why 2025 is the year to ...

GROW! Times of chaos and unpredictability are perfect times to strengthen resolve, hone talents, clear space, and go full speed ahead. Several sources point to a year of growth and creativity (see bottom)*.

Use this energy! What stops you? Let’s find out.

Choose one big thing you could do that would make a huge impact on your life.

Why are you not doing it?

• “I don’t have time.”

• “I have too much to do already.”

• “I don’t have the confidence.” 

• “I can’t afford it.”

• “I would never make it.”

• (add yours). 

Each of these responses is a cover for fear. This is not a year for fear, it’s a year for growth.

To switch out of fear, recognize you’re attaching to an old story and instruct yourself to detach and move through. Use the reasoning part of your brain to pull you out of emotional blocks.

Fear is a gift of energy. As soon as you take action into what you’re afraid of,  fear will turn into engagement. The same brain chemical creates both fear and excitement. If you hold back, you’re signaling your emotional system that fear is in order. If you take action, you are signaling to your brain that you need energy for action.

Get a jump on January 2025 emotional clearing by simplifying and de-cluttering your life. Download this 2025 CLEARING CHECKLIST

You’ve got this!

* 2025 is Jubilee Year in the Catholic Church;  a special time for forgiveness and reconciliation. The Year of the Wood Snake in the Chinese zodiac is a time of growth, creativity, and introspection. Project 2025 from Heritage Foundation will reshape federal agencies and policies. The G7 in Canada 2025 will increase cooperation in emerging technologies among G7 nations. 2025 is a square year (45 x 45 = 2025) which makes it mathematically unique. The Age of Aquarius is  transiting to a shift in consciousness, a time of innovation and hope. All sorts of signs.

12 NEW PERMISSIONS FOR 2025

“We know what to do; we wait for permission to do it.”

Over my years as a therapist, I sensed my clients intuition knew exactly what they needed. Once their intuition was verified, they were on their way. If your intuiton speaks, listen. No permission needed. Just in case ….

YOU HAVE PERMISSION …

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• to release everything that does not bring you joy. It doesn’t mean that you have to; but you have permission to. Everyone has the right to live in joy.

• to not do anything for anyone over the age of 18 that they should be doing for themselves. You weaken them and reinforce your own controlling behavior (although I know you mean well).

• to not be normal. ‘Normal’ was defined by Harvard male college sophomores in the 1950s during a series of experiments that set standards for human behavior.  You don’t fit those standards.

• to not buy anyone’s notion that it’s all in your head or not real. Instinct and intuition are real, trust them.

• to start admiring what you don’t like about yourself because it’s probably your greatest gift. Your procrastination is an exquisite sense of timing, your talkativeness is a gift of communication when you use it wisely, your shyness is a gift of observation and wisdom.

• to interpret what people label you as, to be your strength. Are you labeled as too sensitive? You are emotionally aware. Your label reveals your strength and the fact that it is annoying to others means that it is breaking through. People label what they’re afraid of.

• to believe that what you admire in others is already in you or you wouldn’t notice it (projection). If you don’t ‘own’ that quality that you see in others yet, watch for it every day; you’ll be amazed how it will grow.

• to feel guilty, because guilt means you are doing something right, something healthy for yourself. This is good. You’re living your truth, what’s right for you. You are breaking old norms from parents, church, school - some other institution that might not have your best interests at heart.

• to stop being ‘OK’ or ‘Fine’. Each time you say these, ask what you’re trying to cover up, what needs to be fixed, what self-nurturing needs to happen.

• to honor victories as victories. Overcoming fear is a big deal. It takes as much courage to overcome personal fears about speaking up or promoting yourself as it does to fly into space or climb Mt Everest. Fear is fear.

• to break old rules of “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” (people won’t always find your truth conveniently nice).  “Don’t brag and show off, people won’t like you.” (promoting yourself is simply letting your light shine).  “Wear clean underwear.” Well, maybe they had a point there.

• to relax. You’ve done enough. You are enough. Feeling you should have done more is an old story. Rewrite your story. Living in kindness and love is enough; I’ve got that on good word.

FAMILY GAME RULES FOR THE HOLIDAY SEASON

You feel anxiety each time family gatherings approach, but you can’t explain why. Consider this analogy:

It’s the first quarter: Chiefs vs Steelers. The umpire calls the kickoff out of bounds. Because everyone understands the game rules, they accept that the team is penalized five yards and has to re-kick.

What if the game rules weren’t agreed on before the start? What if each player had their own set of rules? What if there was an over-riding set of unexpressed rules that everyone just guessed at?

Your family might have a set of rules they follow, and you’re anxious about both keeping the rules and about breaking them. Some families seem to operate without rules, or ever-changing rules; and some families have a rigid set of rules.  When you’re with your family, you feel confused because something is impossible to understand (what Lidz terms mystified.)

You love your family and you want to be free to express yourself, but you might be invalidated if you break the rules. How can you approach your family with peace?

Healthy families have a set of rules that allow fair-play for all players. The five ground rules below might not fly with your family. Unless your family falls into the tough-to-crack category, it’s worth a try. It might go nowhere, but you’ve made the effort.

When you’re together, say something like: “I was reading the other day about agreements that families take when they get together. I’m not sure if we need these, but I wonder if I could read them and tell me what you think.”

FIVE FAMILY AGREEMENTS

AGREEMENT 1. We don’t talk about stuff we know is trouble  - e.g. politics.

AGREEMENT 2. We don’t put words or labels into each others’ heads, like telling them what’s wrong with them. For example, starting with “you” such as,  “You’re lazy.”

AGREEMENT 3. We agree not to storm off. We say something like: “It’s a bit much for me, I’m going to take a break and I’ll be back.”

AGREEMENT 4. We won’t use ‘negative non-verbals’ like deep sighs, slamming doors, silent stares, eye-rolls, or storming out. We will translate these into words best we can.

AGREEMENT 5. We all agree that we’ll do our best. If there is a violation, any one of us can call time out, and call for a re-do.

Judge the situation for yourself. This might not be a good time to nudge a change, or maybe it’s a great time. Either way, good for you that you showing the insight to recognize that things could be better, and having the courage to consider being part of the change.

Have a beautiful and peaceful holiday no matter what.

Six Ways to Prep for Family Drama this Season

This holiday season, as we face a world of uncertainty and potential chaos, anxieties can be high and defenses low around our families of origin. Although not all of us will experience high drama and chaos (The Bear Season 2, Episode 6), it is the hard-to define, low-grade tensions that are most challenging.

To carry you into the season, try these thoughts on for size:

1. Your challenges from others are your gifts. You wouldn’t be challenged if you weren’t meant to grow and learn. Face each annoying or hurtful interaction with the armor of “What am I supposed to learn here?"

2. Notice how you respond. Do you get quiet and withdraw? Do you attack back directly or indirectly? Do you pack up and leave? Are these old habits still serving you? Because you now have the power to take control of the current conditions of your life, changing how you interact with your family is a choice you make.

3. It’s never about you. No comment or attack or manipulation is about you. People act out of their own wounds. Not your wounds. Their wounds began long ago, but here you are in the firing line. It’s not your fault, and it’s not about you. If they differently, they would act differently.

See them as wounded and hurt people acting out of fear, rather than vicious monsters out to get you. If you can do this, you can begin acting from compassion and love, not fear and hurt.

4. But you are responsible too. The pain from family interactions derives from two sources: people invading territories and people letting them do it. Both parties are equally responsible for boundary violations. To understand boundary control, I like Don Miguel Ruiz’s analogy, also summarized at the bottom of this blog.*

5. Be prepared for wounds to erupt - not because people are mean, but because their anxiety is high too. Don’t get caught off-guard again. Be prepared with a healthier response - not because it will change the other person, but because it will change you.  Download this card for samples to carry with you.

6. Forgive. If you are hurt and take no action, resentment will build. Resentment wounds you, not them, and keeps you attached at a damaging level. I learned the loving and liberating approach to detachment from Caroline Myss years ago, from her book Soul Contracts: Consider that, before your birth, you made soul contracts with (parents, siblings) souls to be your teachers. They assumed these roles not for their growth and self-interest, but for yours. In many cases, these are older souls whose journey toward enlightenment has made them willing to suffer pain on your behalf. They are fulfilling their soul contract to you. Your contract agreement is to heal. Here is the concept in a short video:

“ Your greatest gift is your parents dysfunction. It presents you with an opportunity for healing … for you to be aware of it, to have compassion for it, and a greater understanding because of it, and to heal from it. That is the greatest gift they have given you."

Summary of Miguel Ruiz theater concept: You create, star in, and direct your own life film, in your own theater. You choose leading roles, supporting actors and extras. As director, you decide who is in your movie; you have the authority to invite or reject any actor. If you want to be the star of someone else’s movie, but you’re not right for their plot, you must get that it’s their movie, their plot and they are directing. It’s not about you. Don’t waste time being injured that you are not right for the part. Work on your own movie.

Six Quick Shifts for a Flexible Brain: Keep Ideas Flowing

Anxiety about the future is not a strategy. Preparation is. Opportunities strike when you least expect them, and ideas often hit when you’re doing other things. So, how can you cultivate a mind that’s ready to seize the moment? It starts with flexibility.

Here are six quick mental shifts you can make to strengthen your brain, spark creativity, and prepare for what’s next. These simple exercises take less than one minute each but can lead to big changes over time by building new neural pathways.

1. Say Yes When You Usually Say No

One of our most ingrained habits is saying "no." While saying no is important to protect boundaries, flipping the script occasionally can open doors to unexpected opportunities. For instance, say “yes” to a colleague’s new idea you’re tempted to dismiss. Agree to try an activity outside your comfort zone, like bungee jumping or a cooking class.

Research shows that saying yes to new experiences fosters neuroplasticity, the brain’s ability to reorganize itself by forming new connections¹. By shaking up your typical response, you’re literally rewiring your brain to be more adaptable.

Action Tip:

Next time you’re inclined to say no, pause. Ask yourself, “What’s the worst that could happen if I said yes instead?”

2. Stop Bad “Buts”

Bad “buts” are those little phrases that come right after a “yes”—like, “Yes, but that won’t work because…” These excuses limit your potential. Instead, try replacing “Yes, but” with “Yes, and.” This simple linguistic tweak can foster collaboration and innovation, both at work and in personal relationships.

For example, imagine brainstorming in a team meeting. Instead of shutting down a colleague’s idea with a “Yes, but…” response, say, “Yes, and what if we also tried this?” It keeps the conversation flowing and opens the door to creative solutions.

Action Tip:

Practice using “Yes, and” in your next conversation and note how the dynamic changes.

3. Replace Knowing With Curiosity

Experts often fall into the trap of relying on their knowledge rather than staying curious. But curiosity is essential for growth and innovation. When a familiar topic comes up, resist the urge to assert your expertise. Instead, ask questions like, “What do you think?” or “What’s your take on this?”

This approach not only builds better connections with others but also challenges your brain to see problems from fresh perspectives. A study published in Neuron highlights how curiosity enhances learning and memory².

Action Tip:

In your next meeting or conversation, ask at least one open-ended question instead of giving an answer.

4. Change One Habit

Habits create efficiency, but they can also trap us in rigid routines. Breaking just one habit—even temporarily—can stimulate creativity and build new neural pathways. For example, take a different route to work, switch up your morning routine, or order something new at your favorite restaurant.

These small changes force your brain to adapt, making it more flexible and open to novel ideas. Plus, breaking a routine can reduce stress by pulling you out of autopilot mode.

Action Tip:

Write down one habit you want to tweak and list two alternative behaviors you can try this week.

5. Change Your Physical Environment

Your surroundings have a profound impact on your mindset. Clutter, repetitive visuals, or dull environments can stifle creativity. Making even a minor change—like rearranging your desk or adding a plant to your workspace—can refresh your perspective and boost productivity.

According to research from the University of Exeter, employees who personalize their workspaces are 32% more productive than those who don't.³ This underscores the importance of tailoring your environment to support your mental flexibility.

Action Tip:

Pick one area of your home or workspace to refresh this week. Move furniture, reorganize your desk, or swap out old decor.

6. Switch Roles With Someone Else

Empathy and perspective-taking are powerful tools for expanding your mental horizons. Try stepping into someone else’s shoes—literally or figuratively. For example, think of an event you and a friend experienced together. Spend a minute describing it from their point of view, imagining how they felt and what they noticed.

This exercise not only deepens your understanding of others but also trains your brain to approach problems from multiple angles. Perspective-taking has been shown to improve emotional intelligence and reduce conflict in relationships.

Action Tip:

Ask a friend or partner to try this exercise with you. Share your experiences and reflect on what you learned from seeing the situation through their eyes.

Final Thoughts

Flexibility is a skill you can cultivate. By making these small, intentional shifts, you’ll train your brain to be more open, adaptable, and ready for the opportunities life throws your way. Start with one change today, and watch how it transforms your thinking.

For more tips on building a resilient mindset, check out this guide on developing emotional intelligence. And if you’re curious about how habits shape your brain, explore James Clear’s insights on atomic habits.

Ready to Make a Team Mind-Shift?

These six shifts aren’t just for individuals. They can transform entire teams. Imagine a workplace where everyone practices curiosity, embraces change, and collaborates with a “Yes, and” mindset. The potential for innovation is limitless.

Together, we can build a stronger, more agile workforce prepared for whatever comes next.

References:

1. Kolb, B., & Gibb, R. (2014). Brain plasticity and behavior. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 15(2), 81–92. DOI:10.1038/nrn3678

2. Gruber, M. J., Gelman, B. D., & Ranganath, C. (2014). States of curiosity modulate hippocampus-dependent learning via the dopaminergic circuit. Neuron, 84(2), 486-496. Retrieved from https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4254035/

3. University of Exeter. (2010, September 7). Office workers 'happier and 32% more productive' when allowed to personalize their workspace. ScienceDaily. Retrieved from https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/09/100907104035.htm

How to Build Team Flexibility

Can you agree with each of these seven statements about your workplace?

1. Nobody is stuck in the problem; we go right to the solution.

2. Optimism is fairly high around here.

3. Team members offer to help others if they're overloaded. 

4. Volunteers cover a team member's work while on leave.

5. People are allowed to work from home if requested.

6. We make decisions quickly and move on.

7. It's easy for us to spot what isn't working and drop it.

If you hesitate to answer yes to any of the above, and you sense that people are becoming isolated, your workplace is siloed or hierarchical, or you're looking for new ways to spur innovation, your team might need a Mind Shift.

First, check if your structure is flexible.  Much has been written about the structures that are needed; I've included a summary at the end of this article* for your reference.

Next, consider these five best practices that foster flexibility as a team.

1. Master Mistakes

Mastering mistakes doesn't mean making more and better mistakes; it means maximizing the learning from each one and moving on. One of the best ways to do that is to gather the errors you've made and come together for a weekly sharing of the mistake, the lesson, and the correction. 

Admitting where you've messed up creates a bond of humanity between you and others and prevents the rigidity of the need to be right. Transparency encourages accountability and increases trust.  

2. Spot Check Cognitive Bias

Seek out underperforming departments with a special attachment to a product or service. The Sunk Cost Fallacy is a tendency to continue with something already invested heavily in, despite evidence that it is not working; Blockbuster is a prime example.

Knowing that attachment is the enemy of innovation, on each November Day of the Dead, Google gathered all their plans, protocols, and proposals that didn't work or were outdated, dropped them in an old coffin, lit it on fire, and celebrated as went up in smoke.  

Stop short of a bonfire, but once a month, do update strategies, procedures, and timelines to assess what is no longer needed. Some teams conduct "Dumb Rules Contests" to unearth dated procedures that bloat the system. 

Spot check Confirmation Bias, which is when people search out only the information they already believe, discard information that doesn't fit, or change the information until it does. Most "Ain't broke, don't fix it, always done it that way" people who are closed to new ideas are suffering from Confirmation Bias.

In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, 

in the experts mind, there are few 

-Zen master Shunryu

3. Language Switch

Do you get stuck in the problem or move to the solution?

Teams that are stuck in a Passive-Helpless Mindset (the problem mindset) cannot possibly consider creativity or innovation. That is because optimism is the foundational base for both, and without optimistic, future-focused, and active language, the wheels of progress grind to a stop.  

Handy cards for your 30-Day Plan

Make a 30-day agreement with everyone on the team to change language from Passive-Helpless to Active-Action; here's how: Whenever a sentence begins with "We can't, we don't, they can't, they don't" (just to name the most common) agree on an immediate shift to "How can we, how can they" and so on. For example: "Corporate doesn't listen to us anyway." becomes "How can we get Corporate's attention?" Order a few packs for your team. After 30 days, if everyone is part of the game, you won't ever want to switch back.

4. Just say yes

In a meeting or conversation, when a new idea is brought up, instead of shutting it down right away, try saying "yes." Listen for what's next, and let yourselves be led around by the new idea and see what happens. Team members can suddenly be engaged with the magic of possibility. As Pferdt says in his book What's Next is Now: "yes is in the room."

When you use "Just Say Yes," each person adds a yes, and creates a whole new scenario of possibility.

5. Instead of pilot projects, do experiments.

The very nature of experiments denotes a curiosity and a willingness to accept or deny the outcome. The most flexible teams function in a state of Perpetual Experimentation -  just doing.  Experimentation is a way of thinking toward action, and not everything has to be in place before you start. You'll learn quickly enough as you move.

Incorporating flexibility into your team isn't just about changing processes—it's about shifting mindsets and fostering an environment where adaptability becomes second nature. By mastering mistakes, confronting biases, embracing active language, saying "yes" to new possibilities, and experimenting with curiosity, you can transform the way your team operates.

Start small, implement these practices, and watch as your team grows stronger, more dynamic, and better equipped to thrive in an ever-evolving world.

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• Summary of structures for flexibility:

1. Clear and open communication channels: Increase a shared vision and speed decision-making. 

2. Clearly identified positions and duties: Well-defined roles that cut down ambiguity, avoid duplication, and increase responsibility.

3. Agile methods: Teams that use agile decision-making techniques can react quickly and see opportunities. Scrum and Kanban are examples of project management frameworks that are part of the Agile methodology.

4. Continual education: Create possibilities for members to learn new skills they'll need in the future.

5. Use of virtual collaboration tools and automation. Use technology such as virtual collaboration solutions, communication platforms, project management software, glitch-free video conferencing, and productivity tools such as Time Doctor For Performance Management, Asana For Task Management, Zapier For Workflow Automation, Airtable For Database Management, Google Docs For Document Creation, Dropbox Business For Cloud Storage, Slack For Real-Time Communication, Zoom For Video Conferencing, Evernote Business For Note-taking, Scoro For Business Management.

6. Team Projects. Cooperation fosters creativity, increases cross-functional energy, and boosts idea generation.

Why Can’t they See? How to ask Break-through Questions

They can’t see it because shame and ostracism are greater than the fear of death.

The fear of shame, ‘looking bad in front of others’ and being rejected from the group is the strongest fear we have. We value being ‘good’ members of our ‘good' groups more than we value being right, as long as our group is in line with what we perceive as ‘good.’

We will choose to be wrong if it keeps us as ‘good’ members of our group. If our group engages in behavior that does not line up with what part of ourselves we believe is good, we reject the interpretation of behavior as ‘bad’ in order to remain a part of our group.

In the recent US national election, both parties cried: “can’t they see?” The correct response response is, “no.” Because both parties had an intact belief system, that anything discordant with the belief that I am a good member of a good group is ipso facto, rejected.

But … it is possible for humans to  update and re-evaluate; it’s one of our greatest strengths. Beliefs are not cast in stone. There is a method of discourse that increases understanding.

Beliefs form associative neuronal networks that signal either ‘certainty’ or 'lack of certainty.’ Certainty is an emotional complex. Thus, to influence oneself or others, tap into this emotional complex.

Instead of attempting to convince others, lead the other person to understand their own thinking about your narrative. Focus on the other person’s motivations more than their beliefs. Get others to believe that the change you’re promoting ties in with their identities and motivations.

All influence is self-influence; people will change based on what they want and need, what they convince themselves that they believe.

Two methods of inquiry that to encourage self-examination:

1. SOCRATIC DIALOG uses a series of questions to reach consensus. The original 'Socratic dialogue' began with Socrates stating that he knew nothing about a topic and asked questions of the others. Leaders can use the Socratic Method when they ask others to identify problems themselves, and to reach by their own conclusions. Psychologists use socratic dialog to help their clients evaluate the accuracy of their thoughts and beliefs. 

The Four Stages of Socratic Dialogue are questioning, listening, interacting, and synthesizing.

Here are some examples:

1. Questioning

Ask: “Is confusion a sign of weakness?”

Ask: “Is it true you can’t teach an old dog new tricks?”

Ask: “So garbage cans hide enemies? Tell me more about that.”

2. Listening to responses empathically and reflectively.

“So you’re saying that …” “What I hear is that …"

3. Interaction

Ask: “I wonder what would happen if you didn’t think the garbage cans are hiding enemies?”

Guide the conversation with a series of “what ifs” and “then whats” so that the client can hear their own reasoning and begin to question it.

4. Synthesizing

Say: “So what I’ve been hearing you say is that part of you believes that confusion is a weakness and part of you seems to think that it might be a form of curiosity, openness, growth. The times that you felt confused you might have believed it to be a weakness.”

But I wonder if the part of you that sees it can be a strength can talk to the other part of you and make a deal. The next time you feel confused, what if you experiment and think to yourself: “I’m going through something new here, confusion is normal, it means I’m growing and that’s a strength.” “How would that be?”

2. DIALECTICAL REASONING. Dialectical reasoning is an interaction that involves contrasting opposing points of view to reach a conclusion. It's similar to logic or both-and reasoning; the socratic dialogues are a form of 'dialectical' reasoning.

The process of dialectical reasoning:

1. State a belief.

2. Developing an opposing belief.

3. Combine the two.

The outcome can be a synthesis of the opposing ideas, a refutation of one of the beliefs, or just a crack in the armor of a belief system, allowing further questioning in the future.

Dialectical reasoning helps you be more flexible in your own thinking, release negative emotions and irrational beliefs, and at the same time supports your current state while you are undergoing or thinking of change.

“I feel guilty for doing that AND I know it is the right decision.”

“I feel anxious AND I'm doing it anyway.”

“I can be fully accepting of myself AND want to change.”

“I am doing the very best I can AND I can improve.”

“I am a Republican AND I can vote for a Democrat.”

I found this example sheet helpful from https://mindremakeproject.org - click this link to download. Hold both simultaneously and you have the support you need as well as a path forward.

People can change. All humans can re-evaluate. I hope these methods soften the boundaries of rigid belief systems and help us all to come to a common understanding.

Six Myths that Block Change

Feel blocked leading change? When making changes in either your personal life or at work, you might be doing everything right! But if your strategies are built on old myths, you’re braking your own progress. Do you believe any of these myths?

MYTH:   People resist change.          

TRUTH: People don’t resist change, they resist loss.

It’s not change that’s the problem; we’re born to change and adapt. People resist losing self-esteem, looking foolish, losing face, feeling like a failure. In fact, the fear of shame, ‘looking bad in front of others’ and being rejected from the group is the strongest, most intractable fear we have.  If you highlight what will be kept, what will be gained, what WON’T be lost, and how to prevent people looking bad in front of others, change will be less of an issue.

By believing that ‘people resist change,’ you are hesitant when presenting needed changes. You hold back, appear cautious, expect resistance. Outline the pros and cons of the changes in a way that’s clear that there is a net gain in the end.

MYTH:      Personality is ‘set.’           

TRUTH:  Personality is fluid, if there is such a thing as personality.

This old myth declares that some people can’t be changed or fixed, as in: “Oh, that’s just the way he is.” This myth is a convenient cop-out both for the leader and the ‘personality’ in question. A personality is never ‘set.’ Rather than having a ‘personality,’ instead we are a sum of our beliefs, actions and attitudes. None of these are fixed. All can change if we choose to change them.

MYTH: You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

TRUTH: People can change easily at any age. It’s not age, it’s mindset.

By believing that older employees will have a challenge learning, you might inadvertently require less of them – or think you need to replace them with younger and better learners. In so doing, you lose valuable wisdom and experience that you sorely need. Humans can learn well at any age; there’s no limit to the age that humans can form completely new neuronal networks.

How many employees over 55 are sliding because of this myth? How many over 55 have cut back or cut out? Recent brain research shows that the brain rewires the same way at any age. With persistence, people can learn as much at 90 as they do at 20.

MYTH:    Change takes time.

TRUTH: Change can be created suddenly and often is.

Some processes do take time: system upgrades, complex expansions. But people can change overnight if need be. Feet to the fire, people can change instantly. You just have to get clear, make a compelling case, expect immediate change and follow through. They won’t break.

By believing that too much change will be overwhelming, you hesitate to present the full range of needed changes, or lose momentum by spacing changes out too much. If anything, as long as the path is clear and logical, change faster.

MYTH:  Too much stress from change will make people sick.

TRUTH: People can withstand an almost unlimited amount of stress.

Obviously, if physical forces exceed our body’s capacity, we will succumb. Otherwise, we have protective mechanisms in place to present stress from becoming overwhelming. The myth of “too much change” developed from inaccurate and misleading earlier stress studies in which cumulative life events could add up to give you a score wherein you would theoretically become sick. This scale The Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale did not control for perception of the event, which in itself dictated how much stress would be felt.

There is no limit to the amount of change we can sustain. Chaotic, chronic, unpredictable, and traumatic change can create issues, but it is possible to work to reduce those factors. Ordinary life events will not make you sick.

MYTH:  Uncertainty and confusion are signs of weakness.

TRUTH: Uncertainty and confusion are signs of growth.

Just like the myth that mistakes indicate failure, the old leadership myth that ‘not knowing’ is a weakness can stop progress short. Successful teams hold that, no matter what, all questions are positive, and not knowing is a sign of intellectual curiosity. Confusion means you’re weighing many options and able to hold them in mind simultaneously. Curiosity is the new Intelligence: Admit to not knowing and make it an acceptable norm.

“The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery every day.”
— Albert Einstein, 1955

Two actions teams should take right now

Not despite geopolitical chaos*, but because of it, there are two key actions teams should take now to prepare for the future.

We’re all powerless when it comes to controlling geopolitical events. But we are all powerful when it comes to controlling our own future.

Don’t give this power away waiting to see what happens — when you can be deciding NOW what will happen in your world. For example, if you are waiting to see the impact of AI on your industry, it’s too late already.

Two actions to help prepare for whatever comes up:

1. GET IN SYNC. The best prepared teams have parts working as one. Over a period of five months, 60,000 termites with a clear vision and constant interaction eat one foot of a 2x4 beam. If they can do that without a leader, what could a human team do if they held on to the same vision, with the same motivation, in were in constant contact?

   Don’t tolerate being ‘siloed,’ where  each sector deals with their issues in isolation. Call, write, check in, visit, set common goals.

2. WEED OUT PESSIMISTS. A recent Gallop poll found that 83% of business leaders report workplace pessimism / negativity their #1 problem.

   Listen to the pessimist’s ideas, of course, but if all you hear is: “ain’t broke don’t fix it, always done it that way, that’ll never work,” it’s time to limit their power.

   Only with optimism can possibilities be seen and a future be invented. Our own research shows that over a three-month period, pessimism can be replaced with either neutral or optimistic thinking.

You can choose: to be the fear or be the courage, to fight the future or feel the promise, to wait for the worst or prepare for the best. Get in sync and weed out pessimists now.

* Collins Dictionary word of the year was “Permacrisis” and the WEF Global Risks Report outlines our “polycrisis” and knowledge is now doubling every nine months

3 Workplace Fatal Flaws

Three practices that appear minor, but create enormous drag.

1. Time Wastes. CEOs blame middle management for bad execution but Sutton and Rao found many CEO’s were the ones who held wasteful meetings and were unclear with priorities and end results wanted. If you’re not efficient with time, your employees won’t be, and they’ll waste customer time.

2. Friction Fights. Instead of fighting friction and snags, appoint everyone as a ‘friction-fighter.’ Ask: “What can I get rid of that wastes time and effort?” Find pointless practices and blocks to action, and get rid of them. In your personal life, if you spend time looking for your keys or your phone, get a system or an Airtag! Time is your enemy or ally.

3. Connect Neglect. Stop fixating on your own part of the company or just your own job, and look at the spaces that connect jobs and departments. Every organism from a ragworm to your company is intelligent to the extent that there is high communication among divisions. More neurons or brain cells won’t make you smarter, more glial cells that connect neurons, will. No time for silos: connect!   

Get top management to do time audits of their wasteful meeting practices (or forward this message), formally remove friction points, and set up more systems that connect groups of people. These three changes alone will help power your future.

"If it Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix it"

How do you budge your employee’s belief systems - when they’re detached from reality?

What if their ‘wrong’ belief will lead to their demise? For example, “AI is a fad, it will blow up, I don’t need to learn anything about it.”

Forget trying to convince them with facts and evidence. Their system is closed, the horse has left the barn on that one.

This is a high fear time. For safety, people can dig in to their belief systems, right or wrong.

Here are 3 steps to budging other people’s beliefs:

1. Assume they’re scared (because they are). They fear losing their belief in case a. they will look stupid b. their house of cards will tumble down or c. there will be a vacuum where the old belief was. You might ask “assume for a minute, what would happen if this wasn’t true?” You might expose one of their fears that you would then be able to clear up.

2. Show them where and when their belief made or makes sense. And how wise they are (or were) for holding it. There is (was) protective wisdom in the belief, after all. One of my 60+ year old clients wouldn’t invest in his business for fear of another depression such as impacted his parents during the 1930’s. I told him that that fear made sense in the 1930’s.

3. However, you tell them, “because x has changed, y might also make sense these days, given this …” Then give them an option to consider it; ask them if it makes sense. If they come back and say “yes that kind of makes sense,” affirm their good decision-making skills. The decision needs to have come from them.

First and foremost, recognize that their dug-in resistance derives from anxiety. You can move them only with an appeal to their emotional/safety system, not with evidence and facts.

THREE MYTHS ABOUT AI TAKING YOUR JOB

….and what careers AI IS targeting and changes you can make now.

MYTH: “I’ve spent my life becoming highly skilled and I’m at the top of my game; I’ll be hard to replace.”

REALITY: Soon, much of the content knowledge you have can be replaced by AI bots. Flexibility means being open to learning new skills and technologies. Lifelong learning is more important than ever. Nobody is exempt.

Develop a range of skills peripheral to your core skillset, that you can use in different roles in your industry.

Develop skills that require human creativity, critical thinking, and emotional intelligence, such as leadership, problem-solving, and communication.  Authenticity, empathy and self-awareness are future skills, develop these and teach others. You might need to take course, they often don’t come naturally.

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MYTH “If I don’t think about AI it won’t impact me.”

REALITY: Don’t avoid thinking about AI believing that if you avoid it, it will avoid you. Keep up with AI and how your profession can use it. If you can master using AI to increase your proficiency, you’ll still be in demand.

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MYTH: “If I keep my head down I won’t be targeted for replacement. Besides, I’m a one-person show.”

REALITY: Develop stronger relationships with colleagues, clients, and other professionals. Collaboration is the future.

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Check your job/profession for a summary of actions to take now:

• Accounting - Because AI struggles to understand mathematical processes and makes up data to cover up mistakes, you’ll be needed to oversee the system. For that, you’ll need to understand it :). Focus on financial analysis and strategic consulting, or specialize in managing AI-driven accounting systems, digital banking solutions and cybersecurity. AI software is more efficient than humans at managing financial and administrative records so bookkeeping is replaceable. Data entry is phased out but data scientists will be in demand. Take a course in data analysis.

• Agriculture: Automated machines can monitor and manage crops more efficiently than humans, replacing agricultural jobs. In any area of agriculture, digital literacy is key. Invest in training programs to make sure that audit, credit review, and appraisal workers are digitally literate and can effectively use new technologies. Increase focus on a customer-centric culture to understand the evolving needs of farmers and agribusinesses. Improve customer experiences  by creating user-friendly digital platforms. Foster collaborations with agri-tech startups, research institutions, and government agencies. Partnerships give you access to tech insights that will help with risk assessment and credit appraisal.

• Assembly Line: Robots perform repetitive assembly line tasks faster and more consistently than humans. Workers should take courses in robotics maintenance and programming, quality control, or logistics management.

• Customer Service: AI-chatbots handle routine customer interactions, so take courses to prepare you to handle difficult and complex interactions with empathy. Customer success managers and relationship managers will be in demand; and start to study how you can increase your customer’s success.

• Digital marketing: Human touch is needed for creative content development and strategy, even though AI can automate some aspects of digital marketing, such as data analysis and advertising optimization.

• Drivers/transportation: Self-driving cars and delivery drones will replace jobs in transportation and logistics. Drivers should learn to be fleet managers and logistics coordinators and learn to maintain autonomous vehicle technologies.

• Healthcare: AI is less likely to replace jobs in healthcare, such as nursing and physical therapy, although psychologists jobs are on the block. :( Jobs that require empathy, social interaction, and complex decision-making, can’t be replaced by AI - yet. But other professional are more replaceable such as Radiologists, who should focus on complex cases and patient consultations or begin to specialize in interventional radiology and minimally invasive procedures.

• Legal: AI gathers information and conducts legal analyses. Paralegals should focus on case strategy development and client communication, or specialize in areas where human judgment and interpretation are needed.

• Librarians can curate digital collections, give higher-level research guidance, or specialize in information management and data organization.

• Market research analysts can re-focus on consumer behavior analysis, computing and information sciences, competitive intelligence, or strategic planning.

• Telemarketers will be phased out but development of customer relationship strategies and sales strategies or high-end customer service careers will be kept.

HOME FREE FOR NOW

• Environmental science: Companies and governments both predict job growth in environmental science. Fields such as renewable energy and waste management will grow.

• Cybersecurity: Professionals with skills in data security, encryption, and threat intelligence will be in demand pretty much until singularity.

Remember, it’s never too late, you’re never too old, and nothing is possible. Adapt, learn and grow- you’ll stay young forever.

4 PATHS TO WORKPLACE OPTIMISM

1.YOU START

Start with yourself. If you’re struggling being optimistic, others will too. You can’t give what you don’t have. How you treat yourself will be how you automatically treat others. :)

Morning: “I will notice what’s right today.”

Afternoon: Write a note to one person who did something well.

Night: Note a positive thing that happened, or a success you had.

The three above seem so simple - how can they work? P.S. If you are not doing them consistently now, why not give it a try.

2. SET LANGUAGE BEST PRACTICES

a. Switch statements from passive to active. Don’t accept people saying: “It’s hot here” or “HR is slow” (passive, ineffectual, damaging).

Require an active solution. “Turn down the heat.” “Let’s call up HR and work this out.”

b. Change

“we have to” ……. to ………. “we get to”

“we need to” ……. to ………. “we want to”

“we can’t” ……. to ……….  “what if we could?"

3. A REWARD SYSTEM THAT WORKS

Save money. An Immediate - Unpredicted - Meaningful and Sincere thank you is worth more than a plaque. Say as often as you can.

4. A ZERO-EXCUSES POLICY

This is a fast and easy way to dig up excuses people have so you can dispel them.

• Have people list three things “we could do that would make a huge impact, that we are now not doing.”

• Then ask them to write down “why not?” Why are you not doing them?

  There are your excuses right there.

Never say Never. The 4 Futures to Plan.

Collins Dictionary 2022 Word of the Year was permacrisis, or “an extended period of instability and insecurity.”  World Economic Forum’s 2023 Global Risks Report describes a “polycrisis."

CEO Daily’s Alan Murray, writing for Fortune, asked Indra Nooyi, ex-CEO of PepsiCo how to lead others through these times. She replied: “Rather than articulate a vision, talk about alternatives and scenarios. That way your team will look for changes in the environment that could impact your direction.”

Follower’s of Dan Burrus know to their spend time on future scenarios, but most spend their time putting out current fires precisely because they didn't plan for the future.

There are four futures worth 10% of your time, in descending order. They are your:

1. Preferable Future. “What do we want and expect to happen?”   

2. Probable Future. “What probably might happen?”

3. Plausible Future. “It’s not probable, but it could be."

4. Possible Future. “It’s a stretch, and nobody thinks it will happen, but yes, it is possible.”

It’s in the plausible and possible futures (“nah, that won’t scale up”) that you can be caught short. Those tiny blips on the horizon that your 1990’s brain tells you will never be? Well, yes they might, and it’s a good idea to plan for them.

Never say never.

Help me! I'm stuck in an echo chamber.

Do you have friends/family members/co-workers stuck in a belief system that has nothing to do with reality? How do you get through to them? [subtext = get them to see the error of their ways].

The place where NOT to start is flooding them with facts, evidence, or data. They will either convert this information to their belief system, throw it out, or stop listening. Probably all three. That’s what Confirmation Bias is about (see diagram).

Their beliefs are as valid for their world as your beliefs are for your world. Beliefs help organize a chaotic world. Have a conversation only if their beliefs are posing a real danger to themselves or others.

Suggestions:

1. Don’t go in with the intention of changing their thinking.

2. If you can tolerate it, ask them about their belief system and truly listen. [see #1, above]. You must have a sincere desire to find out, and they must sense you do, or they’ll clam up. Have them explain their beliefs. Sometimes listening to themselves out loud and scrambling to find evidence for their beliefs is enough to shake the beliefs just a bit. That’s good.

3. To uncover fears contributing to the echo chamber, say something like “a lot of people are afraid that the American Dream will never be possible for them. Can you relate to that?” Or “I hear a lot on TV that immigrants are taking over America, displacing the rest of us. Are you hearing that?” There are so many [ungrounded] fears out there that you might not hit the exact ones, but if you’re open and accepting, you might hear what fears ARE adding to the chamber. That’s a great start; talking about one’s fears loosens them up.

The power of 1-2-3 above can be amazing. Last year, I coached an executive team at a West Coast Winery who was stuck between generations: the 70’ish founders, and the 40-something kids poised to take over. No amount of evidence could convince the founders to invest in new technology.

When the 70’ish pair finally agreed to see me, in a gentle-but-direct clinical style, I asked about their past, their upbringing, their parents. It turned out that they were stuck in a depression-era fear capsule, that money would run out with this investment, and their family thrown into despair. A bit of socratic dialogue later, they exposed their fears themselves and could only then move ahead.

You don’t need a clinical degree for this process, as long as you follow #1 - don’t try to change people. Just listen. They might just change themselves.

Don’t try to change people.

Just listen. They might just change themselves.