HOW TO GET THROUGH TO THEM

“Standing firm with tough conversations” is a top wish/need of over 86% of the workplace. And it’s needed! Avoidance of these conversations wastes energy and inhibits the whole system.

BASIC GROUND RULES FOR TOUGH CONVERSATIONS

1. Move from right-wrong to win-win. That attitude will help you be calm.

2. Learn how to listen before trying to use this system.

3. Blaming and labeling are forbidden (i.e attacking the other person with what’s wrong with them). You’re allowed a statement of their behavior (without judgment), a description of how you are reacting and what you request. Period.

If you can handle that, here is an almost guaranteed formula for effective communication with anyone.

The 7-Step Formula for Everything

1. Describe their behavior: “When you …………..” “When you’re late for meetings …”

2. State consequences: “We/I ……………………” “Other people’s time is impacted.”

3. Your request:“I would like you to  ……………..…” “I would like you to be on time.”

4. Wait for resistance* (click link Manipulations)(blame, pout, yell)

5. Call out resistance: “I can see that ……….” “I see you’re blaming your schedule.”

6. Re-center your request:“However, I’d like you to …….” “However, I would like you to be on time.”

7. Clarify and Compromise: “Work for you? Problems?” (you might decide she doesn’t need to attend, can dial in, send a report etc.).

• Re #4 above: Because of fear of conflict, most people will avoid or attack. Both are ineffective. The ONLY effective method is to stay calm, be clear, stand firm and follow through.

Easy? No, but nothing worthwhile is at first.

• *what will resistance probably look like? What can you prepare for? In another blog is a list of behaviors that people use to try to sidetrack others. They’re called Manipulations, and they are often effective.

• Your job is to stand firm and not be sidetracked by them. Finish your conversation and get a result that works.

IS YOUR TEAM AGILE? TAKE THE QUIZ.

Though agility is reactionary, not proactive - a lateral move, not a forward one … it IS a required foothold for innovative change.

ARE YOU AGILE? Circle your current area or department from 1 (not at all true) to 5 (very true) and add up.

1  2  3  4  5 Meetings are sparse and well organized.

1  2  3  4  5 We have little to no unneeded paperwork.

1  2  3  4  5 Our priorities are super clear.

1  2  3  4  5 ‘Analysis paralysis’ doesn’t affect us.

1  2  3  4  5 We make decisions quickly and efficiently.

1  2  3  4  5 Speed / agility are high; we can move on a dime.

1  2  3  4  5 We are good at follow through and execution.

1  2  3  4  5 Communication and cooperation is excellent.

Scores over 25 reflect agility sufficient to form a basis for innovation. Areas receiving 1, 2 or even 3 ratings deserve intervention.

Subscribe to my blog and newsletters for strategies to shore up each area.

Why the big deal with optimism?

Isn’t optimism just naive idealism? The pessimists even think that if you could only grasp what’s going on, you wouldn’t be so optimistic. Let’s take a look.

The test-tube represents reality. However, optimism has benefit and pessimism has no useful benefit. In the end, optimism is a simple choice to interpret at the higher end of the spectrum.

Without optimism, or looking for what’s possible, there is no innovation and creativity. Optimism is the basis of hope and survival. Optimism surpasses other known predictors as a measure of sales performance. Those most pessimistic about the future are at greater risk of early death, while optimists live longer.  

“In the end, optimism is a choice.” 

Here are simple, everyday methods of increasing optimism, both individually and in the workplace:

1. For both individual and groups, keep a record of events and actions that you feel positive about and write down supportive comments from others. Review successes and positive events regularly with the team.

2. Switch to an Optimistic Mindset. Both pessimism and optimism build on reactions to small everyday events. Pessimism can be coached toward optimism by changing reactions to events: Pessimists respond to unwanted events with a permanent “it will always be this way” and complete “this terrible failure affects all of them” reaction, for example: “Why me? This happens all the time! I’m no good at anything! I never will be. It’ll never get better. The world’s a mess. People are terrible. It’s hopeless. Might as well give up.” All events are then filtered through this pessimistic screen, and hope is virtually impossible.

   To build optimism, know that change does not happen TO YOU, it happens FOR YOU. Pessimists believe the world is out to get them; optimists believe that events conspire on their behalf.

   Avoid all-or-nothing thinking; rather, think in percentages: “This happens only x% of the time, not all the time.” “This involves only x% of me, not all of me.” 

3. Change your language. Change “we have to, we need to” into “we get to, we want to.” Small actions practiced consistently lead to big changes. Practice new automatic responses that focus on reality and action. When unwanted events happen, say: “OK, I’m handling this.” “This is here to teach me, looking for the lesson.” “I didn’t want that to happen, but now that it has, what can I do?”

4. Each morning, create the intention to focus that day only on what’s right, what is working. Send out messages to remind others, such as these postcards (shown at bottom). At end of day, review what was positive, what worked out. Optimism results from daily practice. You can build any given skill or capacity the same way as physical muscle grows.

   The word for the highest form of love in Greek: agape, translates as “look for the good.” Looking for the good in yourself and others is a high form of consciousness.  

   Your perception of yourself and your environment is your reality. You put huge mirrors out there in the universe that reflect back to you what you’re thinking. You act on the basis of your perceptions of yourself. If you change your perceptions, you change the way you think and feel about yourself and your future. 

   Optimism spreads almost as quickly as pessimism. It takes only one determined optimist to help change the workplace atmosphere. Change in group optimism can result from the actions of one person entraining a group. One optimistic person can change a nation, indeed the world. Why not a department or a company?

   Check out more about optimism on pages 122-124 in this free chapter in The Four Elements book.

Stay positive and focused

Lead through Change: The 10 Steps Most Forgotten by Change Leaders

1. Where are we headed? Though there are no maps, there are compasses. Paint a clear and visual image of the future as you see it and future opportunities that might open up. Do you see a new vision? Or just more, better, faster? If the former, don’t assume that others know it.

2. Accentuate the Positive. Publicize and repeatedly underscore the positives about the current and proposed changes. Most companies neglect or underplay this. Just because senior management gets it doesn’t mean it filters down.

3. Share what you’re thinking and what’s going on in a way they can hear and understand.  Other species communicate constantly during change through touch, smell, sight and sound. Humans need to hear from you on a regular basis on at least one of those dimensions. And make sure there’s an open line back up to you.

4. Go on a Listening Tour. Tell people where you’re going and ask them how to get there and what roadblocks they foresee. Take action on their suggestions when possible. When not possible, and you forget to give feedback on why not, disengagement is sure to follow. This one step will salvage your change effort. 

One Wisconsin Health Care system kicked off a system-wide lab scheduling software without consulting the individual labs. Needs were so different among the labs that bookings decreased over 45% within a month. If they had checked-in, they could have tweaked the software before implementation and saved hundreds of thousands of dollars in lost bookings.

5. Find and keep cultural beats. Surprisingly, people can be more afraid of losing important elements of their culture than they are their status or position. Relationships with others are a central part of the glue that holds them to your company. Find out what parts of the culture are important to your people. You’ll be surprised at how easy it is to safeguard and enhance these. 

One real estate brokerage learned that Friday lunches were sacred. For an aerospace company, blue-shirtTuesday was important (who knew?). A large pharma had appointed rotating volunteer ‘cheerleaders’ to cheer up the workforce. An efficiency expert recommended removing the post, resulting in cries of protest. The cheerleader had become a central part of their culture.  

6. Appoint Change Agents from mid-management levels around the organization who monitor, unblock and expedite change. They get silos talking and working together, push vision through blocks to the first line, identify triangles and tangles (explained later), open up blocked communication lines. These should be objective, honored and rewarded leadership training posts.

7. Follow through. Don’t make any decision without detailing who, exactly when, and how you’ll follow up and then follow up. Don’t blow this part; the start-stop nature of change efforts is how cynicism develops. Schedule follow up alerts and pop-ups in the software system. Post the people or departments responsible for action on public boards and highlight those who complete on time. Program screen savers with prompts, rewards and punishments. Execution is everything. 

8. Take the lead on getting agile and efficient. How are your meetings? Long-winded and report based? That’s more ego than activity. Things happening fast enough? Anyone being tolerated who’s not up to it? People in lead positions who you wouldn’t fight for if they wanted to quit? When you play the game “Put Us Out of Business” do you always win?

9. If you are starting a new way of working, show them you mean it. They’ve been here before, are jaded and don’t believe you. Do something dramatic as a kickoff. One company starting an open door policy, burned down some manager’s doors in a parking lot (not recommended). Senior leaders who declared they were starting a Servant Leadership attitude served employees in the cafeteria with white gloves. These might not work for you, but think of something that screams: “This time is different.”

10. Establish leadership best practices and hold people’s feet to the fire to develop them. These are well documented in other areas; the point is to decide on a few that are central to you and make them happen! Many leaders write down a few practices and assume they’ll stick. They won’t.

GROW WITH CHANGE: A ‘WILLPOWER’ WORKAROUND

With a crush of distractions and a continual onslaught of chaotic change, are you tempted to get off track? You’re not alone, and no, you probably don’t have ADHD. Over 57% of adults feel that they lack the discipline to “get the important things done.”

If your ‘will-power’ is letting you down, it might not be something you’re ‘lacking.’ In fact, let’s drop the term ‘willpower’ because it implies you can will yourself through impossible situations, and most people can’t.

Check your Goals. Maybe the issue isn’t a lack of ‘willpower;’ maybe you’re following goals that don’t belong to you. It just isn’t that important or relevant to you. There is nothing wrong with dropping the goal if it isn’t yours.

However … if you are sure that you want to do this thing, here are two suggestions and a handy reference.

First, set up iron-clad commitment devices that stop you from procrastinating, or giving in to temptation or distraction. Willpower and self-discipline are not built-in human traits, so your reliance on self-discipline alone probably won’t work. Until you’ve created a solid habit, willpower will never cut it. More about these devices here.

Second, make rewards more immediate and interesting. The limbic system, or your emotional control center, has to find this goal attractive. The immediate rewards of procrastination and distraction often win. Distant-future rewards like completing an advanced degree aren’t enough to motivate you, especially in a distracting, addictive environment. Create more immediate and stronger rewards for early steps.

Thirdly, refuse to put yourself down when you think you are falling short. Recent studies (Biological Psychology, Vol 172, July 2022) confirm that cortisol is released when we disapprove of/punish/put ourselves down and that this substance can be addictive, such that we become attached to the shame associated with our punishing thoughts. This circular process makes it virtually impossible to move forward.

Try these three tips - then check out more info in this free chapter.

“Change is a force to be feared or an opportunity to be seized,

and the choice is our.” J.Lapp

GROW WITH CHANGE: Drop these 5 Emotional Habits

There are five emotional habits that cause energy loss and that don’t serve you in moving forward. Note that they are HABITS, which means they are a part of your definition of SELF. During change you need all the energy you can muster, so if you can’t change these habits right away, it will be helpful to be more aware of them.

HABIT #1 Doing anything for anyone over the age of 18 that they should be doing for themselves. This behavior weakens the person you’re trying to help and makes you resentful. If you’re rescuing anyone over 18, you’re not helping them. Rather, you are trying to meet other unmet needs and it is time to meet those from other sources.

HABIT #2 Fixing other people. Like #1 above, this habit is a well-meaning one, a genuine effort to keep others safe. You have the answer to other people’s problems and if only they would listen, their lives would be better. Unfortunately, you create only resentment in both them, and in you: “after all you have done for them!” People don’t want to be told what to do. Your greatest gift would be to accept them the way they are. It’s not your path. Let them live their lives. Honestly, it’s more loving.  

HABIT #3 Reacting to other people's bad behavior. Take nothing personally, it’s never about you. People run their own script and their own movie. Other people’s behaviors are not directed at you; they are acting the way they are acting because that is how they act. Stop being injured over the injustices that people do to you, because they are not doing it to you. They are just doing it. 

When you can get this, you free up energy to help others learn how to behave in your presence, and what minimum standards you expect.  

HABIT #4 Comparing yourself to others. Comparing yourself to others, either in a positive or negative way, is doomed to fail. Instead, measure your growth as a percentage of change from the past to the present.“Am I a percentage better at this than I was last year? Six months ago? 20% better?” If so, your goals are being met. The only comparing to do is with your former self, and the only projection to do is to your future self.

Others will always have more or less than you have, because they are walking on a different path. Is the path better than yours? No, it’s just different. You label it as better. Comparing yourself is a low self-image activity, one that you no longer need. It is energy not well spent, because it doesn’t change where you are and move you toward where you want to be. 

HABIT #5 Getting Impatient. You are wasting energy wishing/demanding people would do things differently, wishing they would get out of your way, wanting them to be different than they are. Will hitting the elevator button repeatedly and yelling “Hurry up!” bring the elevator any faster? Will fuming at the grocery store  make the line go faster?

Impatience is a factor in Type A Behavior. The hostility that accompanies impatience can kill you by causing a huge sympathetic nervous system spike and depositing plaque in arteries. Choose where you spend energy. Discipline yourself to ‘let it go.’ When you’re tempted to hurry people up, take a big breath, and repeat this sentence: “Accept what I can’t change, change the things I can, let this go.”

Lack of patience can result from a belief that the world should not interfere with you. People should do things your way because you know better. If everyone did what they were supposed to do, the world would be a better place and you would be much happier.

When you can see that this thinking isn’t paying off, you’re half way there!

 1 M. Friedman and R.H. Rosenman’s concept and measured by various assessments such as the Bortner Rating Scale Type, the Framingham Type A Scale, the Jenkins Activity Survey (JAS) and the Structured Interview (SI).

UNSURE WHERE TO GO NEXT? FOLLOW THE YELLOW ARROWS

World in upheaval? Nothing certain? Unsure what the future holds? The built-in tendency across species is to hold back, hide, or wait and see. As you’ve heard many times, this is usually the wrong strategy. If you are feeling stuck and not sure what to do next:

1. Start where you are and move. Your starting point will be the situation you are in right now. Do not wait for another situation to show up, because it won’t. There will never be another right one, because now is the right one. When you are finished using this staring point, you will arrive at the next starting point. Then, you will use that one.

If you are needing certainty about where to walk, that is, you already know the path, then you only can go where you have already been. Just start out with small actions in the direction that your heart is trending toward. What feels right? Where are all the signs pointing?

The best way will be revealed to you as you are moving. Last month I was at a crossroads on the Camino Portugues and I was unsure of where to go next. Late afternoon, nobody around. I started out in a random direction, and within a few minutes a yellow arrow (Camino directional reference) appeared on a wall. The universe showed up and gave a sign. It always does.

“If you are 100% certain of the outcome of an action, what do you learn from taking that action? Not a thing. If you do not expose yourself to risk, you cannot possibly learn anything; if you risk nothing you learn nothing.” Gifford Pinchot, Intrepreneuring

2. Start Now. Some people look, but don’t see. Some listen, but don’t hear. Many know, but don’t do. If you know it, do it. How often have you had a really good idea and later found that other people had ‘stolen’ it? The difference between your idea, and the idea that made it to market, is only one thing: action. Somebody else took the idea that was available to everyone, and moved forward for a long enough period until it worked.   

When the Italian film director Frederico Fellini was asked where he got his ideas for films, he replied, “The film already exists, it is a matter of waiting for it to show up and bring it to reality.”

• Before taking action, if you have intention, wish, or thought, your action is already half complete. When you take action on your thought, it just serves to complete it, or to give it form.

• Quantum Mechanics predicts that it is already done, you just need to “polish it off.” Your thoughts crystallize the already existing matter in the universe.

• Whatever you dream or wish to do, consider it already enroute. Just take action, any action, just keep moving in the direction of your dream.

• “Life becomes real at the point of action.” Plato

3. The Five Year Test

Consider the cost of not doing. Five years from now, as you reach out from the other side and greet yourself coming through the door, will you be proud of what you have done? Will you be able to shake your hand, pat yourself on the back and tell yourself that you did your very best? Or will you regret the missed opportunities, the things you did not do, the people to whom you did not reach out in love? Do it now.

Does your brain still feel overloaded? Click here to cut down on Decision Fatigue.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO WORRY, DO IT EFFECTIVELY

You might not be able to stop worry completely, but you can get better at it :)

‘Worrying’ is expensive both in individual cost, and the cost of lost time and productivity. One recent study in which subjects were given random alerts to write down current thoughts showed that 47-55% were worrying. Worry is not a good strategy unless done correctly. 

Telling yourself to stop worrying makes it worse because of psychological reactance. Ordering yourself to do something can set up the opposite result. If you instruct yourself to “just not think about it”, your thinking will be invaded more. People remember uncompleted or interrupted tasks better than completed tasks. The Zeigarnik Effect suggests that incomplete tasks, such as dismissing worry, will intrude until they are completed.

THREE STEPS:

1. When your worry shows up, don't get annoyed. Write it on a ‘worry pad’ that you keep nearby. Writing the worry down is the first step in helping to loosen its grip.

2. Get back to work, writing down the worry as often as you need.

3. Later, say on a 3:00 pm break, take your Worry Pad to a quiet corner and review all your worries. Worry about them as intently as you can.

Result? At some point you will be able to release what is on your Worry Pad because:

a) you’ll be able to see the futility of those worries and that will loosen their grasp on you, and 

b) because you are giving your worries 100% attention, you just might get to a solution. 

Either way, this is more efficient than letting worry drain your attention and energy. If you’re going to worry, might as well do it right.

BRAIN OVERLOAD? HOW TO FIGHT DECISION FATIGUE

If you’re feeling stuck, you’re not alone. Stress and uncertainty has resulted in a high level of decision fatigue, or difficulty making moves – both large and small. About third of adults (32%) said they struggle with basic decisions (APA Harris Poll, 2021). And the impact stretches from the day to-day and beyond; about 61%  are rethinking how they are living their lives. Decisions are more dfficult these days both at the micro- and the macro-level.

The brain can tolerate just so much before it goes into rest cycle. Understanding this, salespeople present customers with multiple decisions until the unsuspecting buyer goes on overload and acquiesces. Follow these tips to reduce decision fatigue:

1. Make important decisions earlier in the day before brain fatigue sets in.

2. Cut down on unimportant decisions. “What do you want for dinner? “Surprise me.” “What kind of pizza?” “You choose.” Don’t waste your Decision Quotient.

3. Give your brain a rest. Get into nature. Go for a run. Take a shower. Meditate. Stare at a blank wall. Sleep longer.

4. Think about cutting back, doing less. If your brain is telling you that you’re doing too much, you’re doing too much. It’s about doing important things, not just getting a lot done. If your brain is on overload, respect the feedback and cut out what you can.

MAKING CHANGE WORK: THREE MYTHS TO DROP RIGHT NOW

MYTH #1: People resist change.

By believing that ‘people resist change,’ you are more hesitant than need be when presenting changes. People don’t resist change; they try to avoid loss. Make the effort to outline pros and cons of the changes in such a way that it’s clear that there is a net gain in the end.

MYTH #2: You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

By believing that older employees will have a challenge learning, you might inadvertently require less of them – or think you need to replace them with younger and better learners. In so doing, you lose valuable wisdom and experience that you sorely need. Humans can learn well at any age; there’s no limit to the age that humans can form completely new neuronal networks.

MYTH #3: Too much change will make people sick.

By believing that too much change will be overwhelming, you hesitate to present the full range of needed changes, or lose momentum by spacing changes out too much. The myth of ‘too much change’ developed from inaccurate and misleading earlier stress studies. There is no limit to the amount of change we can sustain. Chaotic, unpredictable and traumatic change can create issues, but it is possible to work to reduce those factors.

MAKING CHANGE WORK: 10 STEPS TO STOPPING WASTEFUL MEETINGS

When change creates a high level of anxiety, for example, when priorities are unclear and changes chaotic, one of the first places people hide for protection is in meetings. There is an inverse correlation between level of productive change and the number of wasteful meetings. Many in-person or virtual meetings give the appearance of work, but often are a busy way of wasting time where nothing of real value is accomplished.

In addition to unrooting the underlying causes of anxiety, begin work at reducing meeting waste. Here are 10 steps to follow:

1. Don’t hold or attend the meeting unless there’s no alternative. Attend only if you must. How will you add value to the meeting? What can you learn? Is there anyone who can take your place? What will happen if you don’t attend?

“Walk out of a meeting or drop off a call as soon as it is obvious you aren't adding value. It is not rude to leave, it is rude to make someone stay and waste their time.” Elon Musk, 2021

2.   Start and stop on time. Don’t wait for latecomers. Stop when the agenda or time runs out, whichever comes first.

3.   Everyone comes prepared, no excuses.

4.   Meet no longer than 60 mins. Best length is 30-45 mins. Stretch every 15 mins.

6.   Unless you are brainstorming, stick to a timed agenda.  Appoint a timer who keeps you on time and a tracker who keeps you on track.

7. Put off-track items into a ‘bin.’  Allow ten (10) minutes at the end of the meeting to deal with these.

8.   Don’t let meetings be interrupted.

9. Summarize at the end. Ask for feedback. Outline action items, responsible parties, and follow-up dates.

10. Send brief minutes within 24 hours. And follow up on action items!

Most important ….

Don’t be boring. A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

STAY STANDING 14: Hitting Turbulence

A few years ago, my small plane and I were flying in clouds, when unexpected severe turbulence hit, and the aircraft became hard to control. We train for these moments.

If everything suddenly seems out of control, learn to respond as pilots do:

a. Learn how to calm yourself. Don’t waste energy on being upset. Easiest is to take a deep breath to 6, hold for 2 seconds and release to a count of 8. 

a. Slow down. Pull the throttle back and put your gear down. Maybe you’re trying to do too much, more than even possible. The pandemic’s message is to slow down and rethink what’s going on in your life. Maybe you shouldn’t be doing more, you should slow down and do less. Let go of what brings no reward or is no fun.

c. Do a shallow turn and get out. Why take a chance? You know there’s better air somewhere else. You’re never stuck with the choices you’ve made. You can revise any decision.

Aircraft are designed to handle turbulence. So are you.

THE POWER OF LETTING GO

On final during the 3rd landing of my first solo as a pilot, for no good reason I abruptly ‘go-around’ (power up, pitch up and try it again). On the next approach, I again ‘go around.’ By the fourth attempt, I wonder if I can just stay up, order in and see what happens. I brainstorm on where to go crash so my instructor won’t see. 

During those low moments, I hear my instructor’s voice: “Janet, takeoffs are optional but LANDINGS ARE MANDATORY!” I have to do this. To do this, I have to let go.

I see my white clenched fingers choking the control wheel. The plane is trimmed up and knows how to fly but I’m over-controlling. “LET GO!” I relax my grip, land and taxi off the runway. I don’t recall the landing but my instructor told me it was the best of the three. Trust, relax and go with it.

Let go.

When the path isn’t clear (like these days), our survival instinct urges us to hang on to anything, even though it might be wrong or harmful. 

1. What are you hanging onto? What are so sure of? Maybe it’s wrong. Conspiracy theories flourish when our critical thinking brain caves into our survival brain, which is hanging onto the wrong things. Let go of being sure. Listen to good science. Facebook, Twitter and YouTube are brimming with bad science. Follow real evidence, not strong opinion. The knowledge base of strongly opinionated people is low. Don’t let them take you off track. 

2. “Clear away the wreckage of the past” means let go, rewrite, reframe. There is nothing you can do to change history. The way you were working before was amazing, but it wasn’t sustainable. It was best for that time, but this is a new time. 

3. Start from scratch and build your new path. Mike Dooley’s ‘The Matrix’ has helped many people do this: it works in business too. Detach from the red and yellow and even some blue (below). These were built in the past. Deep breath, let them go.

1. Like Covey’s “start with the end in mind” …. start in the green, with a list of what you want in your life … things that you alone control - like love, security, happiness and so on. 

2. From the green side, work right into the blue and list the kinds of qualities or activities that would feed the green list, and then work right into the yellow list of specific actions, projects, events that would feed the blue list. 

3. Do this exercise once a quarter to make sure you aren’t hanging on to anything in the red or yellow columns that doesn’t any longer support you.

   Download a pdf of this post

FEELING CAGED IN?

A 2-STEP GUIDE TO GETTING ALONG

When confined to small spaces, rats chew each others’ tails. Although we don’t chew tails when physically or psychologically confined, under stress we might be doing exactly the opposite of what we need. There’s a better way.

YOUR GUIDES

1. Ground Rules. Never interact without pre-agreed upon base rules!

• Speak for yourself. Don’t tell other people what’s wrong with them. Don’t start sentences with “you”. For example, “I think you are a selfish” does start with “I” but gets disqualified with the second part of the sentence.

• Use words when expressing disapproval. No sighs, slamming, silent stares, eye-rolls, or storming out.

• Instead of shutting off, call Time Out. “Need a 10 minute break, then meet you in the kitchen.”

• No below the belt. Don’t hit with personal attacks that hurt, like “You drink just like your mother did.”

• Keep it short and One at a Time. Most positive interactions occur when each person holds the stage for no more than 1-2 uninterrupted minutes.

2. Get Clear. Every good request has three parts: Describe the other person’s behavior, why it’s important (consequence of behavior) , and what is requested instead. Most people get into trouble when a. nothing is said and resentment builds b. vague wishes are given e.g. “we need to fix this” or “somebody has to clean up” or c. direct commands “You need to …” “you better …”

The 3-Step Formula  

1. Describe what other person is DOING: “When you leave your dirty socks on the floor … ”

2. State what happens as consequence: “I slip on them and fall … ”

3. Be clear about what you want: “So I would like you to put them in the hamper.”

If the relationship is rocky, expect defense; notice the reaction but don’t get sidetracked - just calmly repeat the request and try to get to a quid-pro-quo or other compromise. 

REMINDERS:

1. Need to be right. It can be a mine field if two people have strong needs to be right. ”Choose to be right or choose to be happy” doesn’t mean you give away your need to be heard or understood. Others are right, given their point of view. 

Agree ahead of time that when you get stuck in right-wrong, you both will go to a higher ‘third’ place of compromise. Because you are both right, you will meet both persons needs - for example, “your way this time, my way next time.“ If you’re stuck, try a reverse role play. Take the role of each other and in less than 2-3 minutes each, express the other person’s point of view.

2.  Delay is OK. If you’re upset but not sure if you need to say anything, wait 24 hours. If it still bothers you, fix it or forget it. Things don't get better on their own, they get worse.

3. Words and tone matter. Words are the sparks or the extinguisher to ignite or put out the fire. You’re not responsible for the gas, but you are for the spark. Don’t be snarky; at the very least be neutral. 

4. Whoever loses control, loses. If you let your emotions take over, call time and regroup. Note: Bullying removes real power. If you were confident, you wouldn’t need threatening behavior.

5. Stop powerless comments: “You make me mad” … “she bugs me” … “they drive me nuts” … These only give power to the other person and feed into your victim status. 

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